The Library of Alexandria

Prognostication

2008-09-04T18:24:00.002-04:00

As the beginning of the season is upon us, it is time for the Field Marshall's Predictions.

This is based on absolutely ludicrous theorizing.

AFC Playoff Predictions:
1: New England
2: Indianapolis
3: San Diego
4: Pittsburgh
5: Jacksonville
6: New York Jets

NFC Playoff Predictions:
1: Dallas
2: New Orleans
3: Minnesota
4: Seattle
5: New York Giants
6: Carolina

Super Bowl: Saints over Steelers

Edition by Subtraction

2008-05-29T09:49:00.003-04:00

It's been quite a while since the Library opened its doors, for which there are a multitude of reasons (so many forms of laziness). But with the torrent of information unleashed yesterday, we had to make a few comments.

The printer's masters of Dungeons and Dragons 4th Edition Core Books leaked to the Internet yesterday, and the Field Marshall obtained a copy. I feel not the slightest bit criminal, because our household has already pre-ordered three complete sets of books. This merely accelerates the calendar for my campaign.

The premature escape has filled the barrels of Hate-orade being quaffed across the Internets. Allow me to spike those barrels with a bottle of chill pills. As with the previous edition, people hate the notion of change. 4th Edition is a significant change from 3/3.5, and the vast majority of the changes are for the better. The major complaints seem to stem from two places:

1. Complainers were perfectly happy with their use of unbalanced material in previous editions.
2. Complainers are upset that their specific shtick is not represented in the core books.

This second complaint contains a modicum of legitimacy. The elimination of several character classes leaves some gaps, specifically for bard and druid, with Wizard's promise that further "core" books are coming. I understand the financial model behind requiring supporters to continue purchasing material, but this understanding does not require me to be happy with the exclusion of "core" material from the first three "Core" books.

Despite this major drawback, I favor the new system. It accomplishes several significant goals. The first of these goals centers around the excitement of character development. 3rd Edition was a significant step forward from 2nd Edition AD&D, allowing most character classes to gain abilities and powers at various levels. With 4th Edition, every character achieves consistent advancement - each player receives new toys at every level. The power system removes the blank spaces from 3.5 character level sheets, and standardized character's power capabilities from level to level. Under 3.5, a 15th-level Wizard was far more useful than a 15th-level fighter, and such abominations as the Tome of Battle were reactions to those inequities.

A number of complaints concern the similarities between tabletop D&D and MMORPGs, which are completely honest about making you continually pay to use a product. Many new powers do carry an arbitrary feel, although the flexibility of the powers make characters more interesting than the stat templates of a PC character.

The other main leap forward is easy to miss - non-combat encounters are more in-depth and more rewarding. This capability makes all the changes worth it. In previous editions, bantering with NPCs was arbitrary and often simplified to the point of interlude between dungeon crawls. The new rules make it easy for DMs to create scenarios requiring PC interaction outside of hack-and-slash.

I will spend more time perusing the books, but my initial impression is very positive. Hopefully the nay-sayers will either come to their senses or continue not playing a system they complain about.

Patriot Games

2007-09-14T12:13:00.000-04:00

The comparisons of Bellichick's operations to that of Watergate are absolutely hilarious. Will he be sold upriver to Woodward and Berman Eric Mangini in the anonymous guise of "Deep Gut"?

At last, our long AFC East nightmare is over. We have a punishment, although if I were Goddell I'd start erasing those tapes of the meeting.

The notion of using technological implements to gain an unfair advantage raises an interesting series of questions, and the fact that a number of the talking heads caught on to their importance is evidence that there is hope for the sports mass media.

Let's try and clear this up. Using chemistry to directly improve your body is cheating, but putting chemistry into a brightly-colored drink that pays lots of money to your league for cross-promotion is fine. Using TV network audio to catch audibles is fine (because it's impossible to catch), as is hiding people in the press box to look at the opposing sideline with binoculars. But try and get a closer look, and it's taboo.

It's about time the NFL came up with a clear technology policy, and to this end they should hire a bunch of tech-geeks whose only experience with the game of football is a sprained thumb from using that stupid "hit stick".

No Cute Puppy Pictures Necessary

2007-08-21T07:32:00.000-04:00

It has come to my attention that some football player admitted to some sort of crime yesterday.

Honestly, with the behavior that both Vick brothers have displayed in the last few years, it wouldn't surprise me if the revelation came out tomorrow they were involved in trafficking human slaves. The actions of these two men reveal a pattern of behavior that a number of people in this country believe is completely acceptable. Some people simply can't handle the attention, privilege, and wealth that comes with top-tier athletics in America. How bad does it get for Ron Mexico when herpes lawsuits were "better days"?

Let's get a few obvious random thoughts out of the way:

How hard is Matt Schaub laughing right now?
Can Bobby Petrino pull a Billy Donovan?
How many jersey naming options does NFL.com now have to prohibit?
Does anyone wonder if this is all a plot masterminded by Joey Harrington?

The truly sad part of this is the level of support that Vick continues to receive. The truly strange thing about this case is the racial aspect. Leaders in the African-American community have condemned Vick for participating in the inhumane aspects of his crimes. The Federal prosecutors, however, are nailing Vick on racketeering charges.

Go to the mall or to Wal-Mart this weekend and try and spot a kid wearing a red #7 jersey. Chances are you'll see one. Parenting abilities aside, there's a definite socio-economic correlation. The practice of dog-fighting is certainly far less prevalent in higher income brackets. But even in the blue-collar strata, the notion of signing a multi-million-dollar contract and wasting it on such activities. Vick couldn't have committed a more universally heinous crime.

If Vick pleads guilty on Monday as planned, he likely won't get sentenced until late October. Federal guidelines allow for no more than two months' worth of early release per year served. Assuming a more conservative sentence of 18 months, Vick would serve approximately 15.33 months. This plots his release from prison in late January-early February of 2009. Further NFL suspension notwithstanding, Vick will miss to full seasons of football. If Iron-Fist Goodell gives him another year off, Vick will enter the 2010 season after a severe layoff and having just turned 30.

The criminal controversies have overshadowed what was to be a skills controversy. Vick had been the face of the Falcons franchise for six years, and just one conference championship appearance. Vick was responsible for the Packers first playoff loss ever at Lambeau, more so than Favre's penchant for turnovers. Since then, Vick's stock has plummeted. He's cost the Falcons two coaches. The great mobile hope has turned sour.

Chargers fans are laughing with every #21 touchdown.

Please note: The awesome picture would not be possible were it not for the folks at Deadspin. Read them often!

Let the Record Show

2007-08-13T13:37:00.001-04:00

Junk Bonds

2007-08-08T08:11:00.000-04:00

Let's get the obligatory over with.

756*

Much like the final sacking of Rome by Odoacer, the final tragic chapter of the steroid era played out last night while most of us on the East Coast were already asleep. Eliot was right, it was more whimper than bang.

I hear so many arguments from apologists and talking heads trying to be contradictory. The biggest sordid excuse of the lot is the mass apology. It was an era full of steroid users. Everyone was juicing. Peter Gammons dubbed it the "Whatever it Takes" era, trying to broaden the blame to include lying politicians. No doubt the demon of modern mass media is the root of a lot of problems, but let's not absolve those who use the and abuse opportunities to promote themselves.

Sure, a lot of players juiced. Seventeen major league players, including Rafael Palmeiro, have been suspended since the anti-steroid policy was put in place for being caught with their pants down. We don't know for sure he was cheating - But we can carefully examine any of a thousand pictures taken between 1990 and 2000 and see the expansion of his cranial size akin to that of 18th-Century America.

There was a time when baseball was synonymous with American culture. From the emergence of Babe Ruth as sport's first superstar until the rise of professional football in the 1970's and 80's, the diamond was as much the image the world had of America as the Statue of Liberty. Despite minor issues of gambling and cheating, baseball endured. Accusations of World Series bribes, spitballs, nothing tarnished the glamor of mid-century baseball. Simon and Garfunkel never wrote, "Where have you gone, Wilt Chamberlain or Johnny Unitas?"

And then baseball lost its way. Football took over as king. The World Series now stands in the shadow of the Super Bowl. The 1994 strike did more damage to the prestige of baseball than any other single event. The commissioner loves to point that attendance is at an all-time high. Alas, baseball has become sectionalized. ESPN has become the worst offender, covering the Mets, Yankees, and Red Sox more than the rest of the league combined. Antiquated financial models push franchises such as Cincinnati, Kansas City, Pittsburgh, and Milwaukee to the finges, unable to keep up with the major-market behemoths.

Major League Baseball was desperate to remove the stain of the strike, and Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa gave them the perfect photo opportunity in 1998. Everyone came back to baseball to see a glamorous event where one of baseball's hallowed records was chased down. Oh, sure, there were accusations about the "nutrition" program McGwire was undertaking, but it was just advanced science.

Pay no attention to the syringe behind the curtain. The owners, commissioner, and the players want your ticket and jersey revenue. Buy the TV package and don't ask questions.

Jose Canseco is just in it for the money. He's just bitter because he couldn't hold on to his fame.

It's funny how Canseco was the only one telling the truth. Now I wish Giambi and Palmiero would be more honest. Bonds certainly won't be. McGwire retired before anyone could pin him against the wall. Years of perfect interviews with Sosa vanished the minute he received a congressional summons.

Years from now, I will likely take my children to Cooperstown. When they see the all-time home run list, they will ask me about those players, and The Asterisk (TM) will emerge. I grew up with stories about Rod Carew, Roberto Clemente, Harmon Killebrew, Al Kaline. Guys who didn't chase a paycheck at the point of a needle. Baseball didn't need to turn them into mutants to boost TV ratings.

Yankees fans, take note. Alex Rodriguez, the man you continually slander, may well be the best hope for reclaiming baseball.

Desecrating Hallowed Ground

2007-07-21T00:20:00.000-04:00

My worst fears have come true. "Carpet Book" as it is known, the advance copy of the seventh and final Harry Potter book, is in fact the real deal. I had perused about half of the snapshots of the book, taken with a digital camera on the generic carpet of some library. Having read what I could only hope was a poorly written and expertly photo-shopped piece of fan-fiction, Samantha and I opened a midnight copy only to find that the juvenile drivel indeed was what millions of people have waited a decade for.
Tonight is not a night for spoilers; I understand people want to read the book and find out for themselves. If I told you some of the revealings, you would balk. In a few days, we will discuss the shortcomings of this disappointing finale. For now, Harry Potter is close to Dead To Me, zipping quickly past On Notice.
If you want something interesting to read to make up for this lackluster affair, I highly recommend The Dark is Rising series. It won two Newbury awards in 1974 and 1976, and its translation onto the big screen arrives this fall.

Old Habits are Hard to Break

2007-02-17T09:26:00.000-05:00

Since graduating from college, I have not had the opportunities to indulge in non-electronic gaming like I used to. Samantha and I had become bored with video games, and that's certainly no knock on Wii Play or Battlestations: Midway. The television had simply expended itself as a dominant medium for the time being. Having a desperate yearning for social interaction, we rounded up a cadre of cohorts and descended upon the local gaming store.

For being a veritable wasteland in the gaming industry for years, Wilson is now seeing better days. The local hobby shop, aptly named The Hobby Shop, is making up for lost time. In our youth we had no such dispenser of role-playing, board, and miniature games. That being said, ten years ago we were playing little besides Magic, and the mall's collectible shop carried enough packs to satiate us. A decade and much sophistication later, we sought board games with which we could all be social.

I feel bad for how much Samantha forked over for our pillaging, but our collection of board games has been improved greatly. Working at a game store was both good and bad for a number of reasons. Watching your paycheck evaporate in eight different directions was one such drawback; a more subtle one was the unconscious method in which I collected games. Games Workshop and Legend of the Five Rings and Dungeons and Dragons dominated my shelf, because I needed the components to be able to play. Board games were in abundance, everyone owned a copy of Fluxx or Titan or Chez Geek. The store even had a number of games on hand for such purposes, a myriad collection the regulars and the owner had cobbled together. Thus, I had no need to buy many board games.

Now, with that wonderful store but a memory, I have empty slots on my gaming shelf I need to fill. When we entered the store we were not intent on making such huge strides immediately. We walked out of the store lugging several large bags. Puzzles, plush anthropomorphic diseases, and Axis and Allies Miniatures filled the bags, but the core of our spree was the board game selection.

The first box I picked up was Lunch Money, becuase my original copy had scattered to the four winds - literally. I found a card at my parents' house, and one in Samantha's van. Lunch Money is one of those games that is invaluable for is cathardic nature, and because playing with O'Boyle is a unique entertaining experience. We also snagged, thanks to Glover's revelations, a game called Tsuro: The Game of the Path. A simple board with tiles that build winding paths across the board, the game takes strategic impetus from Go. The game shines in its simplicity to learn contrasted with its difficulty to master. I also purchased a copy of Apples to Apples. It's one of those games everyone should have on their shelf, even if they don't play it often, like Sorry or Monopoly. The last board game in the bag was Ninja Burger. Again, it's a game I've played many times before, but never had the need to buy. For fans of this game, I also recommend Kobolds Ate My Baby.

It was refreshing to read a rule-sheet and measure something with dice again. If it weren't for the release of Crackdown on Tuesday, I might just abandon playing video games altogether for a while.

Valentine's Day is the Best Time to Play With Your Wii

2007-02-14T08:59:00.000-05:00

I was hoping to snag my copy of Wii Play last night, but alas bad weather all over the mid-west has delayed product until today. Early reviews have been highly critical. I don't see why it's taken this long for people to form an opinion. It sold very well in Europe over the last couple of months. We aren't asking for an epic gaming performance, simply a disk to add more variety in our social gaming library.

The grand shoving of Sony's collective foot into its pie-hole is well-documented already. As Penny Arcade so succinctly put it, you have to be careful what you say. Sony has been spinning their poor sales since December. By now they have to be well aware of the situation. I can only assume they mixed up the memo of what not to say.

Delusions of Adequacy

2007-02-12T16:46:00.000-05:00

The NFL season has come to a close. In my 18th season of partaking in the visual spectacle that is professional football, I have two words to describe my overall sentiment for that which was 2006-07.

Underachieving. Disappointment.

Do not mistake my derision as completely dismissing the good points of the season. I am pleased that the most prolific quarterback of our time, Peyton Manning, has overcome the hurdle of not winning a championship. From the time the final gun expired forwards, he is elevated above a class of great quarterbacks (Fouts, Tarkenton, Marino) lacking that crucial piece of hardware. Later this week we will detail the good points of this season.

Nevertheless, this was a season of higher expectations, and a number of players and franchises failed to achieve a presumed level of excellence. The forces of chance - injury and random bounces of the ball - aside, these individuals and teams exhibited sub par performances comparative to their anticipated production. Here, we present the ten most prominent examples of a season of underachieving.

Who Didn't Make the List:

Michael Vick: In six seasons, Michael Vick has yet to demonstrate the quality of performance the marketing hype promised. By now, I expect so little from Vick a disappointing season is simply expectations of mediocrity realized.

Mario Williams: Texans faithful aren't likely to forgive Charlie Casserly for passing on Reggie Bush, nor should they. His stat line is low (4.5 sacks, 1 forced fumble) but his presence has greatly improved the moribund Texans defense.

Art Shell: It's not his fault that the Raiders were one of the most inadequate teams to take the field in the last decade. Al Davis refuses to acknowledge that his grasp of the football front office is gone. Personnel decisions and coaching changes have proven disastrous. Shell was brought back into the fold to restore pride and discipline to the organization, and was promptly denied the authority or the tools to do so. I hope his time in the NFL penitentiary was worth it, no man of that class and caliber deserves the treatment he received.

Jake Delhomme: We'll discuss the real reasons why the Panthers warrant significant space on this page later, but the one stable position for this franchise was at QB. Some fans despise his presence. His passer rating was superior to that of four quarterbacks in the playoffs, and threw fewer interceptions than half of the playoff-bound QB's. He played good football in spite of the
falling pillars around him. More to come...

Honorable Mention:

Larry Johnson: He performed adequately on the field, even if the Chiefs backed into the playoffs with a little luck. His fantasy performance, however, was overblown. Most top drafters took LJ over LT, and were PO'd. In crucial weeks he failed to show up, failing to crack the end zone in six games, including a crucial stretch in weeks 13-15, when most leagues were starting their playoff bracket.

Mike Vanderjagt: The most accurate field goal kicker in NFL history watched his career evaporate in a short 12 months. Following a heart-breaking miss in the Divisional Playoff round last season, that "idiot kicker" made 13 of 18 for the Cowboys before being benched and then cut in favor of the eldest of the Flying Gramatica Brothers. Martin was smart enough not to hurt himself in the promotion celebration.

Sean Taylor: Quite possibly the best hit of the NFL season occured during the Pro Bowl. The Pro Bowl. I'll say it again - THE PRO BOWL!!! Sean, your Redskins defense was ranked 23rd in the league. Where was that intensity during the regular season?

Eagles fans: You disappointed me by not igniting a controversy. I hear little about how Jeff Garcia should be the starter next season. Are you going to quietly welcome back Donovan McNabb? Remember, you booed his selection in 1999, when you so desperately wanted Ricky Williams.

And Now, The List:

10. Detroit Lions, Front Office: How bad does your record have to be before you fire Matt Millen? You've run out of people to pass the buck to. A coaching and QB change have done nothing. At least he's not drafting first round receivers anymore. Still, the football equivalent of Isaiah Thomas is likely to keep his job until season ticket holders stop writing checks.

9. Arizona Cardinals: Let's be clear; You aren't who we THOUGHT you were. We were ready to CROWN your ass. Pundits have been salivating at the thought of the Cardinals having a breakthrough year for a few seasons now. Dennis Green proved that inferior play-calling and poor QB coaching can continue to keep a good roster down. This team has a lot of tools other franchises would kill for - a new stadium, a solid offense, good young players in long-term deals - but after the fiasco against Chicago, there's no denying you're still the same old Cardinals. Furthermore, the signing of Edgerrin James seems to have worked out better for the Colts.

8. Seattle's Offense: They made the playoffs, in spite of a lethargic offense. Even before the injury, it seemed every curse known to man made itself effective against Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander. The offense fell from 2nd overall in 2005 to 19th this past year. Even the addition of Deion Branch did little. I guess Steve Hutchinson was more valuable than initially estimated.

7. Pittsburgh Steelers: The experts all admitted there wasn't a great chance at a repeat, or even a division title. A wild card berth should not have been out of the question. Despite the loss of Jerome Bettis and Antwan Randle-El and the great karmic bitch-slapping of Ben Roethlisburger, the Steelers could have made the season more competitive.

6. San Diego Chargers: The franchise had a great season, but they make it to this part of the list for one game. The Divisional Playoff game against New England. At two different points in that game the Bolts were in control. They could have gone into halftime with a double-digit lead. With less than ten minutes to go they had an eight point lead and the ball. The wide receivers and defensive backs snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, dropping key passes and allowing key Patriot first downs. Even an interception became a disaster. In the span of ten minutes, a great season was squandered.

5. "Cadillac" Williams: The Sophomore Slump reared its ugly head. The Cadillac came out like a Gremlin, scoring just one touchdown and averaging a measly 3.5 yards per touch. The Rookie of the Year for 2005 may be a leading candidate for Comeback Player of the Year in 2007.

4. Miami Dolphins: It looked so right. The Patriots and their perpetual divisional dominance now looked vulnerable. Nick Saban had the pieces in place. Duante Culpepper was rehabilitating from his knee injuries at breakneck speed. Ronnie Brown was everything Ricky Williams should have been. The defense was as good as always. They were a trendy pick to unseat Brady and Associates. Culpepper's recovery was overblown, and Jason Taylor was more worried about personal awards than team success. The 6-10 record was deceptively better than their performance.

3. New York Giants/Eli Manning: The first overall pick is a boom-or-bust situation with no middle ground. Eli Manning will soon force himself into a categorization. He has yet to show any signs of skill progression, and judging by the locker room dissension, it's likely lack of coaching. Did this team waste Tiki Barber's final season, or did it hasten his decision? The reign of Prison Warden Tom Coughlin went from a rosy 6-2 at the season's halfway mark to a momentum-less coast into a wild card slot.

2. Denver Broncos: This team hosted a conference championship game a year ago after having slain Goliath. The personnel proved they could win the big one by handing the Patriots their first playoff loss in five years. A season later, a field goal kept the Orange Crush from making the post-season. Key mistakes - penalties and turnovers - cost this team crucial games. Jake Plummer finally convinced Mike Shanahan that he could not be coached out of a career of bad habits. Jay Cutler performed well for being a rookie given a baptism of fire. The defensive line and secondary showed its flaws. The wide receiver corps was much more shallow on the field than on paper. This team should have made the AFC West title go to tiebreakers.

1. Carolina Panthers: Go pull your pre-season magazines out of the trash. Who was the favorite to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl, and who split pre-season championship picks with the Colts? If only they awarded trophies before Week 1. If Only. The collapse was sickening. Recent NFL history has no comparison for such a lack of success for the prevailing hype. The running game was non-existent. The acquisition of Keyshawn Johnson did little to open up the passing game - but neither did the playbook. The offensive line lacked chemistry. The linebacker corps lost key personnel, and could not duplicate previous successes. The secondary was atrocious, giving up big plays and key touchdowns, forcing the offense into poor situations. But the worst on-field performance was demonstrated by the special teams. Return turnovers cost the team games against Minnesota and Dallas. Perhaps the greatest problem of all was the offensive strategy. Third-and-long is not the time to call a draw, especially when the running game ranked a woeful 24th. The team played 1960's football and finished 2006 a pathetic 8-8. Mercifully, the biggest deficiency on the team, offensive coordinator Dan Henning, has been removed.

As I said, later this week, I'll go over the good things about the season.

Bowl-a-licious!

2006-12-23T11:08:00.000-05:00

Ah, yes, December 23. A traditional day of college football. The decreasing importance of January 1st on the collegiate gridiron calendar is quite depressing. This year more games will be held on December 29 than on New Year's Day. Somewhere, Knute Rockne and Bear Bryant are preparing a celestial cockpunch for NCAA officials.

We start with the papajohns.com bowl. No, not the PapaJohn's Bowl, the papajohns.com bowl. Because the bowl isn't sponsored by the pizza delivery company, it's sponsored by the website of a pizza delivery company. This amuses me when people use the Poulan Weed Eater Bowl as a sign that sponsorship has gone too far. We've fallen a long way since 1996. Birmingham has hosted a variety of bowl games before, most notably the Hall of Fame Bowl from 1977-1985. Then someone looked up and realized they were playing in Alabama and moved the game to Tampa, changing the name of the bowl to reflect the Floridian tradition of fake Australian chain resturants. But we digress...

The Teams:

The University of South Florida is located in Tampa, which looking on the map is more in the middle of the peninsula. Central Florida, however, is further north in Orlando. This puts the University of North Florida somewhere in South Carolina. U of SF is well known in the region for its hospital and public health programs. On an unrelated note (we hope), the university also houses a museum of contemporary art. Not metioned anywhere in their bulletin is their undocumented school of circus acts, as notable alumni include Gallagher, Debra Lafave, and the chief financial operator of Walt Disney Attractions.

The USF Bulls limped to a 4-3 record in the Big East, but with a strong non-conference record and a win over West Virginia, they secured a trip to Birmingham to promote ordering pizza online. They beat Florida International without causing a riot and running QB Matt Grothe has earned the title "Freshmen Phenom".

Statistic of Note: CB Trae Williams topped the Big East in interceptions with 7.

Greenville, NC is painted purple. It is the epitome of small town built around a college. Aside from the College of Education and the Brody School of Medicine, Pitt County lives and dies by the Pirates. Would you believe Mr. WWF, Vince McMahon himself, is an ECU alum?

For the last few years, ECU has languished in the CUSA basement. Ever since running Steve Logan out of town, the program has suffered. Under Skip Holtz, son of Lou Holtz, the Pirates flirted with a conference title this season, winning two games against ACC teams (Virginia and NC State) and nearly beating West Virginia.

Statistic of Note: The Pirates have played the running game by comittee this season, with at least four backs seeing significant carries this season.

The Game:

South Florida has a chip on its shoulder from beating West Virignia and receiving a pre-Christmas bowl for their efforts. ECU is dying to return to previous heights. South Florida is a heavy favorite, but ECU has found a way to win games it shouldn't this season.

Bowl Preview III, In Which Some People Will Decide I'm Going to Hell

2006-12-21T16:43:00.000-05:00

It's Friday! It's also the third-to-last shopping day before Christmas. If you haven't finished your annual rounds of crass commercialistic patronage yet, by all means, go make retail worker's lives a little more miserable today. For your enjoyment this evening, we enjoy a full three hours of pandering to the sorrow of Katrina Aftermath disguised as the New Orleans Bowl. Do you think the whole situation with New Orleans is a bit over-exposed during events not warranting such attention, such as a football game? Well, don't worry - we'll have more chances to hear football announcers masquerade as socially concious journalists when they return to the Sugar Bowl on January 3. It's sad when a major bowl game isn't played on New Year's Day and it can't even make the first rant.

The first installment of the Empathy Bowl, brought to you by a freight company, kicks off at 8pm. Since its inception in 2001, the New Orleans Bowl is the official token postseason invitation to the Sun Belt Conference Champion. Troy, as co-champions, gets to take North Texas' customary post-season berth. Their opponent is Rice, making their first bowl appearance since the Kennedy administration.

The Teams:

Troy University, formerly Troy State University, is located in the Alabama town of its namesake. And in 60 other locations in 17 different states as well as Ecuador, Germany, India, Malaysia, Sri Lanka, Thailand, Vietnam, Narnia, Vulcan, Minas Tirith, and a satellite campus on the Death Star. They're good at diversifying. And don't bother Googleing for any famous alumni. There aren't any.

Troy has made big strides in 1-A football over the last few years, though they still lost to Nebraska 56-0. Losing by only a touchdown to a relatively weak Florida State is still an accomplishment, and with a 6-1 record (7-5 overall). Their biggest win is over conference co-champion Middle Tennessee State.

Statistic of Note: Troy's QB is named Omar Huagabook. You can't make stuff like that up.

The William Marsh Rice Institute for the Advancement of Letters, Science and Art (or, just Rice) is a little private school in Houston. Guess who their athletic rival is, I dare you. Being so close to NASA's facilities, they are well renowned for their science departments. It's a great place to get your doctorate. Since 1957, Rice has been home to the Beer Bike, a combination cycling event and drinking competition.

Rice is one of the grand old ladies of the Sure Will Cheat conference (it's actually Southwest Conference) and since the breakup of the SWC it and former prestigious football programs like Houston, Tulane, and SMU have languished in Conference USA, jealous of the BCS status Baylor would enjoy if they ever fielded a team better than Duke. Rice is making it's first appearance on the gridiron past the month of November since we nearly turned Cuba into a glass parking lot. Coach Todd Graham is the Jim Grobe of the southwest, bringing success to a starving program. Rice went 6-2 in the CUSA, 7-5 overall. Their only non-conference win is against Army, but the Army's track record has been weak of late. Army did beat Kent State this September, but people have seen that one coming for 36 years.

Statistic of Note: Rice has a deep threat in WR Jarett Dillard. 82 catches for 1176 yards and 20 touchdowns. Fantasy owners wish Chad Johnson were that productive.

The Game:

These two teams will put lots of points on the board, but don't expect a flood of people at the game (I know, that was mean). Vegas almost gave Rice a full touchdown, but I expect Troy to win this by 7. After all, Rice is expected to get cooked.

Bowl Previews, Part II

2006-12-17T09:22:00.000-05:00

The second installment of our "Know your Bowls" Series brings us to Las Vegas. Dec. 21 features The Las Vegas Bowl, sponsored by Pioneer Pure Vision. The bowl sponsors want you to watch this game in high-definition so your eyes will bleed. Sam Boyd Stadium has hosted this bowl game since 1992, which makes the game ancient in terms of lower-tier bowls. When Oregon and BYU take the field Thursday night, they will be standing in the shadows of great teams such as the Las Vegas Outlaws. He Hate Me casts a long shadow.

BYU is located in Provo, Utah. Did you ever wonder just how Jim McMahon ever survived there? Oh, yeah, and we can thank BYU for Orin Hatch and Brian Billick.

BYU ran the table in the Mountain West, finishing a perfect 8-0 (10-2 overall). One of those losses came at the hands of Arizona, and when was the last time you heard about Arizona in football? In spite of being beaten by a team that hasn't been to a bowl since 1998, they are ranked 19th by the writers and 20th by the coaches.

Statistic of Note: BYU is averaging 458.6 yards per game on offense. Only four schools - Hawaii, Louisville, New Mexico St. and West Virginia - had a more productive offense this season.

Eugene, Oregon, is home to one of the most picturesque campuses in the nation. It's not quite the Southern Part of Heaven®, but it's good. The CEO of Nike used to be a track coach at OU, so no company and athletic department have closer ties. The Ducks have some of the best-made uniforms, even if they sport the official colors of the Imperial Romulan Navy. It's purely coincidence that Eric Stillwell, the man who co-wrote Yesterday's Enterprise, a third-season gem of The Next Generation, is a member of Oregon's class of '85.

The Ducks struggled to a 4-5 record in a competitive Pac-10 Conference. 7-5 isn't spectacular, but in a BCS conference seven wins guarantees you a post-season berth. They do have a win over Oklahoma if you ignore the raging controversy over the ending of that particular game.

Statistic of Note: Oregon has been generous in giving the ball away. On an unrelated note (or is it), the Ducks have turned over a new Leaf at QB. Brady Leaf, younger brother of Ryan. There is no word yet if anyone inside Oregon's locker room has called the situation a nightmare you can't imagine. Also, since San Diego has a franchise QB for the foreseeable future, Leaf's draft status remains questionable.

The Game: BYU ran the table in the Mountain West, but success of late against BCS conference teams has been lackluster. Both teams lost to Arizona, so I would pick the Wildcats to win this bowl even if they weren't playing. The 1995 Las Vegas Bowl gave us the first ever overtime game in NCAA 1-A history, but even a tradition of competitive game among slightly above average teams means nothing.

Vegas favors BYU by three. That's BYU's margin of loss to Arizona. Oregon lost to Arizona by 27. I'll split the difference and say BYU wins by 12.

A Wii-sounding Success

2006-12-14T19:32:00.000-05:00

I'm almost at the point where I grow tired of the Wii. Not because of any lack of innovation or fun, I play with my Wii religiously. I grow weary of the incessant stream of inquiry. The Christmas shopping season has its new Cabbage Patch Doll/Tickle-Me-Elmo/Furby. Rampant consumerism, thy name is Wii.

I field approximately one hundred and fifty phone calls and in-person inquiries as to its availability. Alas, even the joy of dangling my posession of the toy over people is wearing thin. For all of these irritations, I am thankful the greatest buzz this year is over something other than the Playstation 3.

The $600 paperweight has proven to be rather lackluster, though time will tell if it suffers more from the typical early life stages of a console or from being tainted by Sony arrogance and haste. I can understand Microsoft's tiered production plan; their core unit remains the same while giving you modular peripherals. Two years from my purchase of a 360 I expect to be able to purchase a larger hard drive. Those who have spent the large quantities of greenbacks for the Sony counterpart will have no such option. The PS3's library is typical of a new system launch. Madden, the assortment of sports and racing titles in abundance on every platform, and a couple of system-specific offerings. I have no desire to play the new Genji or Untold Legends, as their predecessors on other consoles and handhelds have been mediocre at best. The only title worth engaging in is Resistance: Fall of Man. Even this and the illustrious Gears of War on the 360 hasn't drawn me in as it should. I believe shooting weird looking aliens has become bland. Much like your World War Two shooter de jour, success breeds imitation, which breeds glut, which breeds contempt.

The Wii, by contrast, has turned the concept of multi-platform ho-hum on its ear. I yearn to try every title available simply becuase of the unique nature of the gameplay. Madden is unique, something I can't fathom out of any other version of 07/06/05/04. I will refrain from lamenting the weak nature of the sports franchise meat grinder until a later date.

Needless to say, I am grateful to have my predictions about the console wars affirmed. Though I tire of seeing my innovative cult smash console co-opted by John Q. Non-Gaming Public, I must remind myself that this was what Nintendo intended to do. They wanted to turn a video game system into a mainstream media. This, they have succeded in. Let us hope this trend of innovation continues.

Happy Fun Bowl Time!

2006-12-13T13:43:00.000-05:00

I kid Martouf about his perennial desire to become more familiar with the collegiate side of the gridiron. For him, and the many of you out there who only give college football a passing glance, allow me to give you an in-depth look at one of the more fascinating aspects of Division 1-A football – bottom-tier bowl games. Without these gems, deserving teams from the lower conferences and middle-of-the-pack BCS schools would rarely see postseason success. We all know about the tradition and spectacle associated with the Rose, Cotton, Orange, and Sugar Bowls, and the Johnny-come-lately Fiesta Bowl. Few of us understand or appreciate the intricacies of such post-season destinations as Birmingham, Shreveport, or Detroit. Each day we will examine an upcoming bowl game that no one outside of the respective teams and true college nerds knows much about. Here, then, is your chance to become more enlightened.

The Library of Alexandria is proud to present Part I of our Series: Know your Bowls.

December 19 is almost two full weeks before New Year’s Day. On a Tuesday night, we begin the bowl schedule with the Poinsettia Bowl in San Diego. Jack Murphy Stadium (to hell with Qualcomm or whomever whored themselves out this year) will host the first of its two bowl games by pitting the Horned Frogs of TCU against the Huskies of Northern Illinois. Please note this game is in fact sponsored by a credit union, thereby automatically destroying all credibility for corparate bowl sponsorship for all time.
You hear that, Chik-Fil-A?

The Teams:

TCU is the jewel of Fort Worth, Texas. Anything in and around Fort Worth is by its nature 60,000 times cooler than anything in and around Dallas. Their mascot is the Purple Horned Frog, a nice diversion from the monotony of various large cats and dogs that pepper the 1-A landscape. Notable alumni include LaDainian Tomlinson, Bob Lilly, Bob Schieffer, and Rod Roddy.

The Horned Frogs finished 6-2 in the Mountain West Conference (second only to BYU), 10-2 overall. They are 3-2 against teams ranked in Sportsline’s top 50, but overall they played one of the softest schedules in the country.

Statistic of note: TCU enters the Poinsettia bowl on a seven-game winning streak. During those seven games, quarterback Jeff Ballard has produced a 78.1 completion percentage. Hawaii’s gunslinger Colt Brennan is averaging a nation-leading 72.1.

Travel west on I-88 long enough to get the smell of Daley politics out of your nose, and you’re in DeKalb, Illinois, home of Northern Illinois. NIU is nationally recognized for its Accountancy program, because you can’t go wrong with a Master of Science in Taxation. The NIU Alumni you’re most likely familiar with, and most likely to wish you weren’t familiar with, is outgoing Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert

Northern Illinois rode into bowl season at 7-5, 5-3 in the Mid-American Conference. The MAC will send a conference-record four teams to the postseason this year, and NIU is the only team that can boast beating the conference champion Central Michigan. Unfortunately, that is their most significant victory of the season, unless you count only losing to Ohio State by 23 as some sort of victory.

Statistic of note: NIU running back Garrett Wolfe led the nation with 1900 yards rushing and 18 touchdowns, making him worth about three-quarters of a LaDainain Tomlinson.

The Game: This match is all about TCU’s rushing defense being able to hold off Garrett Wolfe. TCU allowed just 67.6 yards per game, whereas Wolfe averages 158 yards per game. If TCU’s defense can contain Wolfe, they may be able to put some points on the board through the air and force NIU to throw.

Vegas says TCU by a dozen. I say that’s a wide margin for a pair of teams about equal in ratings.

Devin Hester Eats Babies

2006-12-12T20:17:00.000-05:00

J.J. Reddick. Jack Thompson. Jimmy Carter. Aside from a common usage of the tenth letter of the Latin Alphabet, these three figures have achieved status of Anti-Christ in our household. Behold, for there is a fourth. Devin Hester has in one swift night placed himself in the ninth circle.

For those of you who tuned out last night's game before the rout of St. Louis was complete, the Bears lit up their half of the scoreboard with their triple threat - running, passing, and kick returning. Samantha needed Chicago's Defense to stay under 25 points in order to secure the fourth and final playoff spot in our fantasy league. We assumed that with a potent offense like the Rams, Chicago would have to surrender enough points to avoid the dreaded threshold.

I should thank the gods of fantasy football that it is impossible to deduct points from the kicker's score, else I would be in as much trouble as T.O.'s Pharmacist. Needless to say, I made the championship bracket, a lofty goal barely put out of reach by the greatest special teams display since Gayle Sayers took to the field. I cannot fathom what Scott Linehan and Jeff Wilkins were thinking, but not kicking to Devin Hester might be a good starting point. Kicking out of bounds would have produced better results.

Please note that the aforementioned strategy is in no way to ever be employed by John Kasay, ever. Fucker.

On the actual gridiron, the Panthers have finally proven that Jake Delhomme is once and for all not the problem with this team. Despite the "talent" the team rolled over and played dead in a must-win game against a reeling Giants team in Charlotte. An innefective running game, a playbook so conservative it makes Trent Lott look like Ted Kennedy, a pourous defensive secondary, and a dismal set of linebackers all reared their ugly heads. I hate to think that the Panthers' golden era is over. A full rebuild might be in order. Cleaning out Dan Henning's office certainly is.

Dubious Outrage

2006-12-06T17:39:00.000-05:00

I have heard a great uproar from the pundits since Sunday regarding the arrangement of the BCS system. Men who have turned a collegiate football career into a talking head farm system have manufactured an outrage the likes of which we could never engineer to raise awareness over potential voter fraud when it came to national politics. Ever since the University of Florida’s name spat out of the ethereal computer formula, the pundits have cried foul, invoking the words “gerrymandering”, and “manual fixing”.

Every single person upset with the method by which the national championship lineup was reached has forgotten recent history. They argue that Michigan is the second-best team in the country and that the process was obviously rigged by poll submitters. In 2001, a 2-loss Nebraska squad was earmarked for the title contest against undefeated Miami, over one-loss teams Colorado and Oregon. Both the Buffaloes and the Ducks won their conferences, but a failure to adjust the polls gave us a mediocre championship game. Though Oregon would rout Colorado in the Fiesta Bowl, either team likely would have made a better opponent for the Hurricanes. After the dust settled, the only change made to the formula was to eliminate margin of victory in computer rankings, but the cry for a conference champion prerequisite went unheeded.

In 2003, three teams with one loss were equal candidates for the Championship to be played in the Sugar Bowl. USC, which was a consensus #1 in both the coach and media polls, was left out in the cold by the BCS. SEC champion LSU and Big-12 runner up Oklahoma snuck into the game with a #2 and #3 ranking, respectively. Oklahoma managed to remain #1 by the computers despite having lost in their conference championship by four touchdowns. As a result, more emphasis was placed on the human polls, giving the advantage to writers and coaches who could avoid such problems in the future.

How were these problems to be avoided? My only guess is that people wanted the media and the coaches to alter their polls accordingly to ensure that a #1 was never left out, or that a team that did not win its conference was docked accordingly in its polls. Every gripe about leaving Michigan out of the championship picture is a result of fixing previous problems in the BCS system. This sort of arranging is standard in the NCAA Basketball tournament.

Of course, this cannot replace a playoff format, even if “undeserving” teams make it to the big game. By the BCS reckoning, the 1977 Marquette, 1983 NC State, and 2006 George Mason teams would never have made such great stories.

For want of a championship

2006-11-12T08:34:00.000-05:00

This is the first Saturday that the hellish retail industry has not sucked out of me in quite some time. My, how I had missed college football. My first love always has been and always will be the NFL, but Division 1-A college football is a special entity. Every week teams live and die in defense of their collegiate pride and honor. We as fans of professional sports root for hometown teams, but there are no true rivalries. College sports will always have that advantage over their professional brethren. They could stand to adapt a rule or two from each other, but only those limited aspects that would improve the product on the field. When it comes to NFL-style overtime, the limitations of sudden death are quite unsporting. Writers too numerous to credit have chided that in the event of a sudden-death period, the most valuable player is he who wins the coin toss, for an abbreviated drive down the field to field goal range makes for an extremely anti-climactic conclusion to what was an exciting and riveting set of regulation quarters.

And the one item the professional rules-makers absolutely have to force-feed the collegiate officials. Many clock-speeding measure have tainted the landscape, while the one true improvement lies unsung. I speak, of course, of a playoff system.

Do not try to convince anyone otherwise; the lack of a playoff is folly. Any method that does not determine its champion on the field cheats the fans, the program, and the student athletes. And if the 119 universities, academies, colleges, and technical institutes are going to profit in the range of millions due to the televised play of their scholarship athletes while not allowing those athletes to receive any sort of compensation, then the least they could do is let them play out a couple of extra games and decide who should play for the trophy on the field rather than in the databanks of some obscure formula-driven piece of machinery. But we have more reliance on the polls now, some will say. Those polls punished Oregon in 2001 for an early season loss, and didn’t punish Nebraska enough for losing two games, including their conference championship.

The more controversy surrounds the BCS, the less interesting the championship game gets. That 2001 Nebraska squad never game Miami a competitive game. The 2003 season gave us three one-loss teams: Oklahoma, LSU, and USC. USC was punished for having a weak schedule, something that a particularly bad year for the Pac-10 could not have been helped. Oklahoma had blasted through the Big 12, only to lose their conference championship game. The LSU national championship was won over a Sooner squad that became infamous for screwing the pooch in the clutch.

The following year, that same worthless Oklahoma team that was so hyped by college football punditry overcame the formidable obstacle that was a conference championship game to remain as one of five undefeated teams that season. After tweaking the BCS season after season, there was and still is no way to solve this dilemma. USC and Oklahoma benefited from being ranked high in the polls all year, and the championship constraints omitted Boise State, Utah, and Auburn from participating. Boise State was left out of the picture altogether, and had to settle for a berth in the Liberty Bowl. The biggest debate of that national championship remains to determine whose performance was more atrocious – that of Oklahoma or Ashlee Simpson. While neither deserved to be on the field that day, at least Simpson had the good taste to leave before the second half.

In the days to come, we will examine every argument against instituting a playoff system, and demonstrate why these arguments have fewer legs to stand on than Heather Mills McCartney. As the bowl schedule becomes more tangible, we’ll examine it as well, its archaic nature, and why it’s different from other college sports.

2006-11-07T23:25:00.000-05:00

Politics. The word's meaning is subject to the eternal joke about many bloodsucking parasites. I have promised discourse on matters of politic for some time now, and with the closing of polls I have finally begun to put my words upon the page.

We all have complicated political positions. Mine lies somewhere in the libertarian range. I voted to day for more Democrats than Republicans simply because of the number of Democrats that were on the ballot. It's one of the things that depresses me about the one-and-a-half party system in America. Other than a number of unimportant social issues, it's impossible to tell party lines apart. The Republicans and Democrats are most different in issues such as abortion, gay marriage, and prayer in schools, issues which are not going to change significantly no matter who is in power. Real issues, things that should really matter to people, are so complex and can't be digested in sound bites as to render them useless as party markers. I would love to see one party or the other take an ideological stand agianst the rampant abuse of eminent domain by local governments across the country, or put some effort into real governmental fiscal reform. Such issues, sadly, mean little to candidates and to their voters who don't want to bog down their vote with research.

No race I voted in was competitive. Walter Jones won by a margin greater than 2 to 1. Most state legislative races were unopposed. The local sheriff election was a 95-5 affair. This election even lacked any third party candidates for me to back. While I harbor no ideological love for the Green Party, I voted for a candidate or two of theirs in 2002 and 2004 in order to help them maintain ballot access. Sadly, the one-and-a-half party politics in this country spills over at the state level to ballot access. Ever since my libertarian status was formally revoked by the elections board, I continue to support whatever measures they can muster.

On the national level, I think the idea of a split Congress is ideal for our current government. The Republican Party has utterly failed to live up to the ideals of fiscal conservative policy, and as that's the only portion of their domestic platform I continue to support, I don't feel sorry for their loss of the House. If the Democrats could tighten their foreign policy some, I believe they could re-take a lot of the southern conservative voting block they lost in the late 1960's. Last election, I voted for a Republican President, a Democrat senator, and a Libertarian governor.

I think what irks me more than the politician mindset of a priority to staying in power is a voter that continues to reward a politician for bringing home local bacon while making poor national decisions. I abhor the concept on the ballot of a straight-ticket option. Perhaps the events of these days will convince more and more people to disrupt the rigidity of the party lines that have stratified and blurred into one campaign platform: "I stand for being re-elected."

2006-11-07T09:19:00.000-05:00

Today is Election Day. If only today were also the day to file your taxes. But I shall reserve political punditry until tonight after the polls have closed.

After the Raiders finished their decrepit attempt to maim the manhood of Jerramy Stevens in particular and the Seahawks franchise in general, we are exactly halfway through the NFL season. Eight games are behind all 32 teams, and eight remain for each. For some clubs, that number is a daunting figure, an agonizing set of Sundays prolonging the merciful end to a season. While none of the teams in the NFL have been statistically eliminated from the playoff picture, we can safely bury the hopes of the Arizona Cardinals. This resignation of this franchise to a high draft position next April precludes my slightly above average predictions prior to the season’s onset. My division winners in the AFC included Miami, Cincinnati, Indianapolis, and Denver. On the other side of the ledger I had selected New York (Giants), Chicago, Carolina, and Arizona to head their respective divisions. The four wild-card berths I believed would be New England, Jacksonville, Washington, and Tampa Bay.

Arizona has proven to be a bust. I can’t decide if it’s a problem with coaching or somewhere in upper management, but for the first time since the mid-1970’s this franchise has some semblance of talent – they have a good halfback, a great receiving corps, a decent offensive line, and a workable defense. Matt Leinart may yet turn this team into something respectable in the latter half of the season, but their hopes to finally dethrone the Seahawks appear to be nonexistent. In the post-realignment era, Arizona has been a popular dark horse candidate to sneak into the playoffs. I have never bought into this malarkey until this year, when the combination of offensive talent had me convinced that a rebuilding St. Louis, a Seattle that would suffer multiple curses of success, and a decrepit San Francisco would allow the oldest of NFL teams a weak division to succeed in. Their ability to score points is present, but they lack the ability to play defense and play well in the second half. The press conference following the meltdown against Chicago is an iconic representation of the frustration with this franchise this year.

Miami too has been disappointing, but their woes can be fixated on the premature return of Dante Culpepper. Their win over Chicago shows us what they can be capable of; they need someone better than Joey Harrington behind center. Maybe they just need to let Hank Bosnia invite the visiting team to McDonalds before the game. Carolina is a schizophrenic team this year. With all the talent they possess, they seem incapable of scoring more that 17 points or converting a third down. And no, Jake Delhomme is not the problem with this team. I will sidetrack this mid-season prediction right now to continue my crusade to undermine the wrong-headed belief that Delhomme is mistake-prone and costs Carolina games. The true failing of the Panthers is coaching. John Fox is doing well, but the special teams coach cannot be allowed to keep his job after three punt return miscues cost Carolina an early lead against the flaccid Cowboys. Furthermore, the conservative play calling of Dan Henning doomed the Chargers that he led in the late 1980’s, and it seems to be constricting the Panthers now. If Marty Schottenheimer can loosen his tie and allow Phillip Rivers to open up the offense, so can Dan.

The other picks seem relatively safe. Cincinnati is still in a position to knock the Ravens out of the top slot. The Colts never fail to do well in the regular season. Denver is solidly in the lead of their division. Chicago, like Indianapolis, is a lock in their division. The Giants are two games ahead of Dallas and Philadelphia. New England will be in playoff contention, as will Jacksonville. Both the Redskins and Buccaneers, whom I predicted would manage to earn hard-fought wild-card berths in a tougher NFC, appear to be dead in the water. Tampa needs a spleen and Washington needs a life preserver.

One prediction I made beyond playoff implications is on track to come true, however. I lamented the absolute lack of quality in the NFC North. Despite some people saying that Minnesota and Green Bay might have the ability to resurrect some dignity this season, I predicted that the three teams not named Chicago would end the season 6-10, 5-11, and 4-12 respectively. As of right now, the Vikings are 4-4, Green Bay is 3-5, and the Lions are 2-6. All my prediction needs to prove itself out is a little meltdown in the Metrodome down the stretch. The Vikings never fail to disappoint.

A Collection of Disgraces

2006-11-06T10:38:00.000-05:00

I always have something to complain about when it comes to the video game industry. For a business that manages to make and spend so much money on commodities that are completely unnecessary in our lives. As much as we like to envision the businesses that create our interactive entertainment as wholly separate from the archaic monoliths of cinema and music, which receive their daily condemnations from a cynical and embittered young public, they are all one and the same.

Companies selling you games are attempting to make you spend money on products that are not essential to satisfying basic needs of food and shelter. I realize this as I prepare to spend nearly Five Hundred Dollars on a Nintendo Wii this Christmas. I enjoy my trinkets, for they satisfy some perceived deep-seeded need. But if I intend to support an industry with discretionary income, I’ll be damned if I don’t point out each and every flaw they put forth. There have always been bad games, but when the price point of a single title eclipses the cost of filling up my internal combustion engine’s reservoir twofold, then I have to ask what in the hell are we supporting as consumers?

I understand the need to recoup costs of developing a system; the industry model works extremely well, even if Nintendo has proven you don’t need to spend exorbitant resources adding features no one uses or wants. I, unlike a lot of people that frequent locations designed to sell these products, grasp the concept of selling software to compensate for hardware expenses. But here is where software companies fail.

Collector’s Editions: Versions of games bearing an increased price to profit from consumer’s eagerness to immerse themselves in the meta-environment of a particular title. In the last twelve months, this has become an engine of fraud perpetrated by both publisher and retailer. I paid little attention to the contents of collector’s editions until last Christmas, when I examined the contents of Call of Duty 2: Big Red One. All three of the current-generation consoles were subjected to this lackluster title. What made it worse was the limited version, which required parting with an extra green picture of Alexander Hamilton. For your additional expenditure, you received the following:

4 character skins for multiplayer mode
Interviews with game voice actors and veterans of the 1^st Infantry Division
Behind-the-scenes development footage
Production art gallery
Developer commentary

Aside from the multiplayer skins, there is nothing within this myriad of flotsam that has an effect on game play. Interviews, running a camera during development, scanning production art, and asking developers how awesome their game is – allow me to keep my precious greenbacks. For a cost that is miniscule relative to the overall project budget, they are reaping a profit margin any entrepreneur would covet.

And that’s just the beginning. Since then, I’ve seen at least a dozen titles featuring a premium price tag for inferior peripherals. The Godfather, one of the few console titles to be worth the base price in the first half of the year, had a special version. This, too, attempted to fleece an extra ten dollars out of customers, touting behind-the-scenes video of James Caan and Robert Duvall, making-of features, a documentary exploring the cultural significance of the film, and video walkthroughs of game strategy. The documentary was a piece of film the History Channel would have been ashamed to air, and someone needs to tell Electronic Arts that if people want walkthroughs, they shall visit GameFAQs.

Sierra apparently copied this list of worthless “features” and pasted their own into a collector’s edition of Scarface: The World is Yours (but a jump button isn’t). If the $50 price tag wasn’t enough of a scam on every myrmidon that adorned their college dorm wall with a poster of Tony Montana, the extra price tag on their limited version was almost a carbon copy of The Godfather. I could then list similar wastes of time for Madden 07, Perfect Dark Zero, Gears of War, Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland, Doom 3, and Final Fantasy XII.

There are a few exceptions to this rule. The Collector’s Editions of recent Need for Speed titles have at least included additional cars, giving the premium purchaser an extra serving of game material for his added expenditure. But honest moves like this are few and far between, and as the median cost of games increase from $50 to $60 with the onset of the seventh-generation consoles, I can only imagine what we shall see from publishers.

That being said, I’ll confess to having already surrendered currency for a deposit on the Legendary Edition of Halo 3. Forgive my singular act of hypocrisy, but the concept of a life-sized Spartan Helmet intrigues me. I can only hope my helmet can be equipped with a headset.

2006-11-05T10:01:00.000-05:00

Today's aggregation of games brings the first half of the season to its conclusion. Technically, that midpoint will not be reached until tomorrow night’s game, but short of those fantasy owners with Seattle players in their midst no one could possibly care about a game between Seattle squad suffering from a myriad of trend curses and an Oakland team on a two-game winning streak in spite of an absolute lack of sense within its institution. The spread on this game is not by how much the Seahawks will win, but by what degree people will tune this game out in favor of watching Heroes and CSI: Miami even in their respective hometowns.

I have heard rumors that there is a pretty interesting game being played tonight between two rather good quarterbacks. It’s a shame that such trivial matters are overshadowing a storyline of proportions so epic it makes the Iliad look like a first-season episode of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys. I speak, of course, about Adam Vinatieri. His departure from New England was one of the more surprising moves in the off-season. Robert Kraft has become notorious for his personnel approach to the franchise, viewing players as cogs in a machine. This image is rather distorted, as they have paid players rather decent money to come to New England or in attempts to get them to stay. The money they offered Deion Branch was not insignificant. The thought of allowing their clutch kicker to leave, especially for a perennial playoff rival, is akin to a presidential candidate cutting loose a loyal campaign manager and allow him to become a resource to the opposition party. What the Patriots have essentially done is turn Vinatieri into an AFC version of Dick Morris. The Colts, however, will show more life than Bob Dole on the campaign trail. The officiating will not act like a re-hashed Ross Perot. Robert Kraft is most certainly not raising funds through international sources for the game. Given the old AFC East rivalry in place, however, Jack Kemp should feel right at home.

Other than The Batchelor: Madden Edition this evening, where Peyton and Tom will attempt to win the heart of an old senile man away from his first love Brett, there are only two games today matching two teams with winning records. Cincinnati will attempt to bring about a tie in the division lead against Baltimore, while the battle of the Show-Me state takes place in the shadow of the Gateway arch. With no Dick Vermeil present to spice up the storylines, sportswriters will unfortunately be forced to actually talk about the game itself.

Much love to Gribble Nation for their tireless work in bringing us the NFL TV distribution maps again. It’s amazing how a simple outline map of the United States can convey so much important information. Pay attention, National Geographic.

With Carolina an even pick against the bye week, the whole of North Carolina (excepting parts of Cherokee, Clay, and Graham counties) will receive Cincinnati at Baltimore. Apparently, the Murphy affiliate is more interested in the Titans and the Jaguars. For the only time in its history, Utah will be blue-state today, as they also get Cincy-Baltimore. On Fox, most of the country will be viewing Dallas and Washington, in direct violation of the Geneva Convention. Then again, I’d throw out the Geneva Convention when it came to certain Cowboys players. Those viewers within the fallout zone of the Georgia Dome (With #7, it’s all about suppression) will be viewing Atlanta-Detroit. Oddly enough, the Redskins game is blacked out in the DC area (and it’s not for lack of selling tickets; those are more coveted than Mark Foley’s invitation to speak at the Boy Scout Jamboree). The late game nationally will be Denver at Pittsburgh, which must have brought great applause in the network offices at the beginning of the season, but now it will sport the entertainment value of – and be as one-sided as – a motorcycle wreck. Those of you in Northern Alabama have obviously invoked God’s anger and as punishment will get the Cleveland-San Diego game.

After the week, I will share my thoughts on my pre-season predictions and see how badly I’ve screwed up.

"Reks" tremendae majestatis

2006-11-02T12:50:00.000-05:00

I have now logged ten hours on Final Fantasy XII, which in terms of role-playing games is the first two bites of a large cheeseburger. Mmm...cheeseburger. While I scour through the fridge, rack your collective craniums and recall your opinions of Final Fantasy games throught the last 15 years.

Got all that sorted out? Good. Now forget it all.

Final Fantasy XII is a unique experience. Some good, some frustrating, but wholly different. It's a rather odd blend of role-playing elements with third-person hack-and-slash. The game puts a definitive wall between the act of pressing a button and swinging a sword. To attack, you input the command and wait for your action gauge to fill, then your action takes its course. Perhaps I haven't learned the tricks to the system, if there are any. The control scheme in combat feels strange, much like the first time I played Secret of Mana. I keep expecting an epiphany during some random encounter that never comes. The system seems bulky, overly complicated. Had designers adapted to a system of combat more similar to the "Tales of" series, it might have coalesced better. Instead, I input a command and run around in the expectation of avoiding being hit until my meter allows me to deal damage. There is something off about it, and I just can not put my finger on it.

That being said, the integration of combat with exploration is seamless. The old order of walking through a desolate cavern/castle hall/forest only to be jolted out of your ennui by a swirling shift onto the combat screen is dead. Long live the semi-real-time method of circling monsters and targeting arcs. Oh, yes, the blue and red lines that allow me to track which NPC is dealing hatred towards their target is superb, making me wonder whether Final Fantasy XIII will break down and allow our party an AWACS aircraft.

My only other complaints about "Twelve" are cosmetic in nature. Menus could have been arranged in a more logical format, and the map takes too long to load from the main screen. I understand there are limitations to the Playstation 2's technology, but it should not take more than 0.2 seconds for a map to show up on the screen. Ah, my impatience with current-gen hardware coupled with my slowly-fermenting general hatred of Sony taints a picutre of what should be a solid game.

Reccomendations are useless for this title. You made up your mind months ago as to whether or not you will play it. In a sense, my review is useless. Titles with marquee pedigrees are labeled and lauded long before I get my hands on the disc. But my observations of detail on how the game plays will hopefully be of service to you when you are playing.

Oh, and the "Collector's Edition" is a spiteful, hate-laden rant for another time.

2006-11-01T18:58:00.000-05:00

Curtis Martin is done for this season. How odd it seems that his career should appear to be at an end the same day Bob Barker announces his retirement. Or, as Michael Irvin would describe it, quitting on the Plinko Machine.

Martin had been languishing on the Physically Unable to Perform list, and now is likely headed for the Injured Reserve list. A questionable decision, as the Jets are a pleasantly surprising 4-4 in an AFC known for being brutal. They are 9th among 16, certainly capable of achieving a 10-win threshold that has not been unkind to coaches not named Dave Wandstedt. Those of us toying with Leon Washington in our fantasy leagues have been unimpressed.

Many franchises have managed a certain degree of acumen in having a successor on hand. The Chiefs have transitioned smoothly from Priest Holmes to Larry Johnson. The Rams have found that the running back position still exists, and that Steven Jackson is quite capable of moving the football along those little white tick marks, even if he lacks the fantasy dreadnought status of Marshall Faulk circa 2002. While his departure was relocation rather than retirement, Corey Dillon has not the public nostalgia in Cincinnati thanks to Rudi Johnson. The Denver organization could not assemble a squad sufficient to walk away with the Lombardi trophy until the arrival of Terrell Davis, and in the seasons since his knees forced a premature halt to his career the Broncos have shuffled successful backs like portions of Fingertips on the Apollo 18 CD.

We seem to be at the end of an era of New York running backs. Tiki and Curtis, both consistent performers at their positions for several seasons, are likely candidates for the Hall of Fame Class of 2012. Martin is more apt to be honored in Canton; his stature among the career rushing leaders is noteworthy. The only names not in the Hall of Fame are not eligible yet, and the closest member of the list who has not been granted a bronze bust is Thurman Thomas. This is as much a travesty as an oddity, but I digress.

The only remaining topic of debate is whether Tiki Barber has a resume worthy of the Hall. He has 700 hash marks left to surpass Otis Anderson, who earned most of his yards with the transient Cardinals of the mid-80's. Anderson then was given the gift of a Super Bowl MVP Award thanks to Scott Norwood. To further grind the rose-tinted glasses of Giants fans into the dust, the myopic nature of football fandom may cloud your memories of his Fassel-era miscues. He has accumulated 52 fumbles in ten seasons, compared with Fred Taylor's 21 or Edgerrin James' 34 in that span. I am not trying to lead the campaign to vote against Barber, but I have been less than happy with a few decisions made by the Hall of Fame committee in the last few years. The selection of Harry Carson baffles me, as does the continued exclusion of Thurman Thomas, and Art Monk.

Regardless of Hall of Fame status, both backs should be commended. The average lifespan of a running back is between four and five seasons. Most teams find they need a new back after three. Those teams who get ten good seasons out of a running back should count themselves lucky.

2006-10-31T09:03:00.000-05:00

I've been meaning to do this for three years now. Boredom, lethargy, apathy, and other things have borne a steady diet of procrastination. The phrase "I should write a blog" is a plague; it infects you and bears recurring symptoms. It's high time I started. And this is the end result of a slow day of peddling sagacity to the unwashed masses.

When I first toyed with the notion, I was in college, and the blogosphere was still in its infancy. Now, as a rambunctious child, you see its markings everywhere. I will confess that I have seen easier routes. The temptation to use another format were present but unpalatable. A Geocities page in various stages of conception was a perpetual candidate for resurrection, but that sad dinosaur is a relic of a past century. The vast hinterland of LiveJournal beckoned despite the taint of unproductive petulance that its stereotypical user is known for. The stench of MySpace is too pungent when approaching this behemoth. Even posting upon a page brings a feeling of contagion usually experienced only when dealing with such noxious creations as Collectible Card Games and Goth Culture.

I feel as if I am artifically fermenting a double-standard by refusing to demean myself with the use of products deemed tainted by a certain culture. I create this, a fountain of insight, because I have things I deem important to say, and the best way to convey these words to those who would appreciate them is ideally as a web-log. If you create a LiveJournal account, you have a journal. It retains an atmosphere of diary that skews perspective. A blog, by comparison, is a machination of both journalism and academic endeavor. It speaks to more constructed thought, to the conveyance of information for the sake of information and less as social networking. Thus, I have borne a resource for people, both entertaining and edifying.

What do I have to offer the vast blogosphere? Words of politic, sport, and game. These are in abundance separately, but as a comprehensive package the concept is rather unique. In its infancy, this place will be heavily imbalanced, until an equilibrium is reached.

Further, the humor you will find permeating this blog is heavily sarcastic, and rather sadistic at times. You will laugh at things your conscience will be mollified at. It is the sub-goal of these musings to force your inner voice to accept that no cow is sacred and everything is fair game for humor. Only then will the devils of political correctness be banished.

With all this said, enjoy the words, and please visit often.

- The Curator